Ruptures, Rifts, and Remedies: 7 Ways the Supervisory Relationship Can Go Wrong and How to Address Them

The supervisory relationship is the cornerstone of effective coaching supervision.

Built on trust, mutual respect, collaboration and a shared commitment to professional growth, it provides the bedrock for robust challenge as well as vulnerable sharing.

However, like any relationship, it is not immune to problems.

A rupture in the supervisory relationship can significantly impact the quality of supervision and, by extension, the coach’s development and their work with clients.

It can also make the supervisor’s work feel harder and less enjoyable.

In this article, I explore seven common ways in which the supervisory relationship can go wrong, along with potential solutions to repair and strengthen these vital connections.

It is worth saying at the outset that the underlying solution to all these issues is facing them head on. Ruptures rarely heal by themselves and ignoring them can lead to significant issues later down the road. The solution is almost always a courageous, open and frank exploration of the reasons behind the breakdown and this, in turn, can actually lead to a stronger supervisory relationship.

With that said, let’s take a look at some common incidents.

1. On Different Pages – Contracting Gone Awry

A solid supervisory relationship begins with clear contracting, where expectations, boundaries, and roles are mutually understood.

When contracting is vague or incomplete, misunderstandings can arise, leading to confusion and frustration.

For example, a coach seeking supervision on what he perceives as a lack of progress being made by his client is seeking practical tools and new strategies to find new ways forward.

The supervisor, however, struck by the coach’s emotional response to the client’s lack of progress and gets curious about what sits behind this.  As a psychodynamically-informed supervisor, she wonders if there might be some projection going on and begins to enquire around that.

The coach then becomes frustrated and impatient feeling like the spotlight is now on him rather than where he thinks it should be – new approaches to the coaching that could create change. “It’s the client that stuck, not me!”, he thinks!

Whilst the supervisor was not wrong to name what she perceived, the problem was that the contracting wasn’t robust enough.

Both the coach and the supervisor assumed a shared understanding of what supervision work looks like and the contracting was skimmed over in favour of “doing the real work”.

Possible Remedy

The important first step is to name the misalignment of expectation.  Acknowledge that the client was expecting something different from supervision and that you should revisit the contract together to get on the same page.

This is something that might need to be done multiple times during the supervisory relationship and the ongoing commitment to clarity will help prevent future misunderstandings.

2. Domination and Submission – Power Imbalance at Play

A power imbalance can hugely impact the quality and outcomes of coaching supervision.

And it can take place in both directions.

Firstly, the supervisor may exert too much authority, leaving the coach feeling disempowered or unheard. This is especially prevalent in new coaching supervisors who have yet not calibrated the balance between support and challenge.

Confession time…

I can recall with embarrassment having this exact issue occur early in my supervision career.  I felt the coach was way off base with their work and before I knew it I found myself lecturing him on where he was going wrong. I can suddenly sense that he was taken aback and somewhat shell-shocked! Luckily, our relationship was strong enough to survive my surge of ego; but it was probably a close thing!

There is also the other side of the coin: a supervisor might be overly deferential, perhaps intimated by the coach’s experience, credentials, personal presence or some other aspect. This diminishes their ability to provide necessary guidance and challenge and leaves the coach lacking the growth they came for.

Possible Remedy

A useful frame of reference for this issue is Transactional Analysis with the concept of the Child, Adult, Parent ego states and Karpman’s Drama Triangle.  We don’t have time to cover that here but if you are unfamiliar with these ideas, it is well worth looking into.

Besides that, the critical first step is to take a step back and notice the feelings that you are having and that you are perceiving in and from the coach.

You can use this as an opportunity to deepen the relationship by exploring that power dynamic.  By naming it, exploring how the coach is experiencing it, and sharing how it is for you, you will not only engender trust but open the door to a necessary and transformative conversation.

Allow the exploration to surface any tensions and feelings of imbalance and then seek to rebuild a partnership on a more egalitarian basis.

3. A Clash of Values – When Ethics Don’t Align

When the supervisor and coach have conflicting values or ethical perspectives, tensions can arise. This misalignment can hinder open communication and affect the coach’s ability to fully engage in the supervision process.

These ruptures can feel particularly powerful and emotional since they touch on some of our deepest beliefs about what matters.

Ignored, this can lead to a festering resentment or even personal dislike.  Tackled too abruptly and it can deepen the chasm between the coach and supervisor as it can lead to a sense of entrenched judgement (see the later point).

These clashes of values can seemingly come out of nowhere and circle around what seem like trivial issues.

The coach rejects credentialing because they think it’s unnecessary nonsense, whereas for the supervisor, credentials are an essential part of being a professional coach.

That’s ethics!

They can also emerge from important issues in the coaching for which there is no single truth.

The coach feels quite competent to talk about someone’s childhood trauma in coaching whereas the supervisor feels that is far beyond the remit of coaching.

Ethics again.

The challenge is when the supervisor feels resolutely that they are in the right and an impasse is created.

Possible Remedy

As Stephen Covey so succinctly put it:

Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Acknowledge the initial disagreement openly and, if it’s useful, name how it has seemed to create a relational rupture.  Then invite the coach to share their perspectives without aiming to challenge, persuade or interrupt them.  Simply aim to understand.  By the end, you may find you have changed your mind or understood their perspective more clearly.

If it is still relevant, engage in an open conversation about values and ethics and what to do if there is no alignment.

Finally, if it is serious enough, it might be necessary to consider an alternative supervisory arrangement.

4. Oops! We Forgot the Safety Net – The Cost of Missing Psychological Safety

Psychological safety relates to the conditions created for someone to be vulnerable and to open up.

This is created both at the start of the relationship through the contracting and, more importantly, throughout the relationship through the quality of interaction between the coach and the supervisor.

The lack of psychological safety, either within the  contracting or through the reality of the relationship, will significantly damage the supervisory relationship.

If the coach does not feel safe to express doubts, challenges, or failures, they will almost certainly withhold important information, leading to superficial or ineffective supervision.

I have even heard it said that the majority of coaches do not take their most pressing issues and ethical challenges to coaching supervision for fear of being judged.

Possible Remedy

Clearly, you want to create a supportive and non-judgmental environment where the coach feels comfortable discussing all aspects of their practice.

However, assuming a rupture in the relationship occurs around this, your next step is to own your part of it and acknowledge what you did. Hoping the coach didn’t notice it or feel it or pretending that you didn’t even do whatever you did only breeds further distrust.

You’re human and acknowledging that can enable the coach to actually deepen their trust further than if the event hasn’t occurred.

Once you have acknowledged the damage to the conditions of psychological safety, you will need to rebuild trust through fresh contracting and behaving congruously within that.

It will take time.  As the saying goes: “Trust takes months to build and seconds to lose”.  But don’t give up – take it one step at a time.

5. Coming On Too Strong: The Pitfall of Being Overly Directive

While a directive approach can be useful in certain situations, over-reliance on it can stifle the coach’s autonomy and creativity.

This may lead to dependency or resentment, undermining the coach’s growth.

It can be liberating for a new coaching supervisor to realise that their experience and knowledge counts in supervision and this can sometimes lead to an overenthusiastic embrace of giving advice, ideas, tools and suggestions.

Whilst this can be welcomed by the coach, there can come a time when they feel frustrated by the lack of space they are being given.  Some may even adopt a passive stance in the supervisory relationship.

Even if the coach welcomes the input and never tires of it, the risk is that you are creating an teacher/student dynamic that then fails to draw out the coach’s own reflections and decisions.

Possible Remedy

If you find yourself giving a lot of advice, or doing a lot of the talking, step back, name what you are noticing: “Oh my goodness, look at me pontificating! Let me stop and get your thoughts on all of this.” Humour can be a nice way to keep this light.

Use questioning and reflective techniques to empower the coach, rather than providing ready-made answers or relying overly on your knowledge.

If the dynamic continues in this teacher/student form, it is useful to name it and decide together what you want to do with it.

6. Judge Ye Not: When Judgement Comes Knocking

Supervisors, like all individuals, carry their own biases and assumptions. If these are not acknowledged and managed, they can colour the supervision process, leading to a skewed conversation and a lack of objectivity.

In such moments, the coach can feel judged by the supervisor and left feeling misunderstood, pigeonholed, categorised, labelled or made to be wrong.  All of these can lead to resentment and even anger.

It can be hard for a supervisor to come back from this without feeling a significant loss of status and professional standing. They may feel like the curtain has been pulled back to reveal the “normal” human being behind the Great Oz majesty!

It’s time to let the ego go! Because, come back from it they must if the relationship is to be healed.

Possible Remedy

The first step is to recognise whether you were indeed judging or whether this was simply a perception by the coach. If it’s the latter, it could be worth exploring where else the coach feels judged or if judgement exists elsewhere in the system.

That said, be careful you don’t rush quickly to disown the possibility that you were judging.  It can be surprisingly clever at hiding itself!

So, this is a time for reflection and honesty with yourself.

Were you judging because the issue genuinely matters to you?  Or was it a reflection of unconscious factors such as projection or unprocessed assumptions? Or was it potentially the energy of judgement experienced elsewhere in the system finding its way to you?

Explore this with the coach in a frank but compassionate conversation.

Acknowledge the rupture and be open as to what was happening for you.  Ask how they experienced it and how they think about it now.

If the judgement is one that you can’t let go, explore what to do with that together.  It might be uncomfortable but it allows for genuine choice on the part of the coach and supervisor.

If, by contrast, it feels like the judgement didn’t belong to you and then you could explore together whether judgement is present elsewhere in the system. This could be a classic case of parallel process.  Take care not to appear as though you are looking for a scapegoat for your own judgement though.  Approach this exploration with an attitude of curiosity rather than an assumption that the judgement must exist elsewhere.

Finally, if you decided it was simply “your stuff” then you can acknowledge this, acknowledging your own moments of bias.

7. A Long, Slow Death: Emotional Disconnection

Emotional disconnection can occur for any number of reasons from a lack of resonance and fit, to boredom, routine, small but irritating habits or any number of other things.

Unlike the other ruptures mentioned here which tend to happen suddenly due to a clear trigger, this final one is more glacial and incremental.

It can be imperceptible at first, but something shifts in the relationship.

There’s a lack of enthusiasm when the appointment is due, a lacklustre greeting, a mild but noticeable lack of interest in the topic being discussed, a glazed look.

As a working partnership, you are going through the motions but Elvis has left the building.

Without being addressed the supervisory relationship will either fizzle out or drag on to become a dreaded and persistent appointment in your diary.

Possible Remedy

Explore how the coach is feeling and engage in an authentic dialogue about their experience.  This is not about seeking reassurance for yourself but opening up a space for true reflection on the feelings in the space.

Share your own perceptions and feelings about the relationship and together explore what can be done to change the dynamics.

This happened to me many years ago.

I would be late to almost every supervision session – as the supervisor! – and sometimes even forget the session.  Shockingly unprofessional I know but it wasn’t an issue of time-management. Rather it was unconscious resistance to the work, which I was finding frustrating. The coach brought up the issue that I always seemed to be late and asked if there was an issue between us.  Rather than put it down to my time-management or some other feeble excuse, I shared that I did indeed find myself not looking forward to the sessions and I went on to explain why.  We talked it through and ultimately came to a much stronger and productive working alliance.

Ignoring the lack of emotional connection is a recipe for a very unproductive supervisory relationship. Don’t do it to yourself or the coach. Have the courageous conversation and allow the chip to fall where they may.

Conclusion

While the supervisory relationship can face many challenges, it is rarely terminal.

The trick is in recognising and addressing any rupture as early as possible.

One thing is sure – the relational rupture rarely goes away by itself.

Instead, supervisors need to maintain open communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to continuous personal reflection and self-awareness.

Only then will the supervisor and coach be able to navigate these challenges and build a resilient, effective partnership.

With the right approach, even the most difficult situations can be resolved, leading to a stronger and more productive supervisory relationship.